here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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