If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
