grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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