When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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