I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
