I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
