Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
