he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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