So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize