we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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