where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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