im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
