Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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