Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
