Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
