Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just had sex bonerless
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
