bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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