Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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