Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
