You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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