I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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