Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
