Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
