I am puke
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I bet he comes in French.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
