she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
