if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
