well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
