I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
