Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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