Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
