The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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