i already hear my dad disowning me
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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