i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
