Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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