Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
