I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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