I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
