Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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