I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
