Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
