Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
