An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So squirting runs in the family.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I have tasted many bathrooms
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
