I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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