you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
