best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
