I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
