I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
