He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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