it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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