her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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