There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
