I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
