I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
even my farts smell like vagina
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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