turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
