Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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