I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
