you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
