When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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